conflictedsoldier | closed post

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Meme based off of this one here. For

icannotlie.

***

Bucky wasn't sure what was real anymore. After everything that happened, he felt like he was feeling himself fall apart. Memories were coming back, throwing the images at him whether he wanted him or not. He felt dizzy a lot, doubling over in pain when nausea hits. He wasn't sure what drugs they used on him, but the feelings of trying to be human again were painful. Sometimes he couldn't even keep food down.

He'd done well, getting information on his past and still staying one step ahead of Steve. He was good at evasion, hiding before Steve could find him, staying just out of his reach. If he wanted to be found, he would be. No, this was a nostalgia lane trip. The boxing ring at the gym. The street they grew up on. The museum. Everything had to be investigated.

There was only one problem. He didn't have all the answers. Steve would. As much as he hated it, he was going to have to seek out Steve. Because Steve was his weakness. The more the memories returned, the more he remembered how much he had cared for Steve, maybe even loved him.

Seeing his face as he fell from the train was one of the most heartbreaking things he remembered.

Standing outside of Steve's apartment, he wondered if Steve would know he was here. Maybe he should go up and knock on the door? Still, he hesitated. He knew watching the building was probably creepy, but it was hard to describe what he was feeling. Nervous? Worried? He'd never felt like this before.

It scared him.

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Steve couldn't let himself dare to hope that Bucky.... No, he couldn't do that.

Steve turned fully so that he was facing the man that held his heart in his hand.

"What do you remember?" He whispered. "You know that I would do anything for you."

His eyes closed, not sure just how to reply. His head tilted to the side and stepped closer, burying his face in the crook of Steve's neck. He's quiet, not sure how to say what is on his mind.

"Most of it is in flashes," he said softly. His voice was quiet, barely a whisper. "I remember us. Before the war. I... I remember sleeping on a hard ground, yet someone keeping me warm."

He pulled back, looking up at Steve. "I remember a time before I was a death machine."

Steve hadn't expected Bucky to initiate contact at all, so he stood stock still for a moment before giving into what he had been longing to do since that day on the street.

His arms banded around Bucky and he brought a hand around to cup the back of his head. Steve smiled against the top of Bucky's head.

"You always did hate the ground," He said softly. "That was right after I pulled you out from the camp. I just couldn't... not be with you, but maybe it would have been easier... Losing you almost killed me."

Steve loosed his grip a bit, and let Bucky pull back from him. "You were never a death machine, not to me, okay?"

Edited 2014-05-15 01:44 (UTC)

Steve's words were nice, even if Bucky didn't believe them. He nodded his head, clinging to the man like he was a lost child. In a way, he was. Everything he knew was wrong. The things he didn't know were coming back in out of order images, scattered through his swiss cheese brain.

"It wasn't soft. It was hard to sleep on," he mumbled. "I... I killed a lot of people."

Steve chuckled softly. "It was the ground Buck," Steve whispered. "I think there would be something wrong if it were soft,but if I could have made it soft I would have."

He started to rub his back in what he hoped was a soothing manner. "It wasn't you... You didn't do this."

Steve could feel his body tense as he thought about what HYDRA did to Bucky, what they did to both of them.

It just wasn't fair.

"We both were used, but the question is where do we go from here?"

"They did terrible things to us, Steve. They hurt us. It's hard not to get angry..." He bit his lip, looking up at Steve. One shaky hand reached up, trembling as he cupped Steve's cheek. He almost didn't want the contact, but he needed it. Like he needed answers.

He didn't want to think about the ground. It reminded him of everything they took away from him. "I don't... I don't know. That's why I came here." He sighed, closing his eyes and clinging to Steve once more. "Nobody else understands. Nobody else cares."

Steve's eyes slammed shut at the feel of Bucky's hand on his cheek. Oh God how he missed his touch.

"They can't hurt us unless we let them, right?" Steve whispered out, as he held just a little tighter to Bucky

"I do, I always have, and always will," Steve whispered as he took Buck'e weight against him. "We can get through anything together, okay? Please let me help you."

The problem was that Bucky didn't know how Steve could help. He wasn't sure what he wanted. Even if he did, he didn't think he could voice it in words that Steve would understand. That was why he came to Steve, why he was standing here in his kitchen like some wounded animal.

"Can't hurt..."

Bucky shook, trembling slightly in Steve's embrace. "Not sure how... To help. I just..." He sighed, warm breath brushing against Steve's neck. "Out of time. Not the same. Everything's different." It wasn't like the past that they grew up in. It was very overwhelming to him, having basically two sets of memories, his and the soldier's.

"Did some awful things. Don't deserve this. You."

Steve wasn't fairing much better than Bucky at this point. If Fury could have seen them he probably would have called them every name in the book, but Steve didn't care.

Even super soldiers were allowed to be weak every now and then.

"You think I haven't done things that I'm not proud of?" Steve all but whispered out. His throat right.

"No, I should get to decide who or what I deserve don't you think?"

Bucky did not know Fury. If he did, he would disagree with everything he said. He was a soldier first, not the Bucky that Steve knew him to be. The Bucky that he could feel Steve wanted him to be. There was a small part of him that wanted to be that for Steve as well.

"Yes." Bucky whispered the words out, pulling back to look into Steve's eyes, their faces mere inches apart. "But I know what I deserve. I did things. Bad things. I don't deserve..." He sighed, shaking his head slightly. "You deserve better than a killer."

Steve just couldn't take it anymore. He cupped Bucky's cheeks in his hands. "Tell me no... if you want me not to kiss you.... tell me no," Steve whispered, praying that he wouldn't be rejected.

"Don't you understand that I will never see you that way? I just took down Hydra, or part of it, and I would do it all over again if it meant that I got you."

Kiss. He wants to kiss me. Bucky stared up at Steve, his mind reaching for the definition of the word. He remembered a time, a time with Steve when he wasn't in pain. It was a long time ago. Almost like another life. As he listened to Steve speak, he realized how much he meant to Steve.

This was why he came to the Captain in the first place. He wanted answers, but he was looking for something more than that. He didn't want to be alone anymore. One hand reached out, grabbing Steve by the back of his neck. His face showed no emotion, no smile or frown as he pulled Steve's face forward and kissed him hungrily.

Steve's body literally sagged with relief at finally kissing Bucky. If this was a dream, he didn't want to wake up, and he could die a very happy man.

Steve pulled away, chest heaving slightly, his forehead resting against Bucky's.

"Are you okay?"

For a long time, he's quiet. To be fair, he doesn't really know how to answer Steve. Leaning forward, he rests his forehead against Steve's, trying to smile for his friend. It feels odd, almost forced. He hasn't smiled in so long.

"No, but... It's getting better."

Steve can't help the panic that starts to surface a little bit at Buckly's silence. Steve had thought that he wanted the closeness, but maybe he was wrong... very very wrong.

"I'm sorry," Steve whispered. "If I pushed you too far.... I am glad its getting better."

Bucky shook his head, staring up at Steve. "You didn't push me. You didn't... You didn't break me. This? This is helping me," he whispered. One hand brushed his knuckles against Steve's cheek, staring into his eyes. Leaning forward, he gave Steve another kiss. This one was softer, more gentle as he moved his lips against Steve's.

It was everything they should have had and never got to.

Steve closed his eyes, and leaned into his touch, because he wanted this so badly, that he was afraid that if he opened his eyes, this would be a dream and Bucky would be gone.

He fell into the kiss, enjoying the feelings that one kiss provided him. He could feel his eyes start to burn at the gentleness of the kiss.

He pulled away reluctantly. "Why didn't you stay with me? Why leave me on the beach?"

Bucky's eyes closed and he looked away from Steve. He couldn't face him when he thought of what he did. "I had to," he murmured. "You needed to be saved. I couldn't be there. They would know I did it, they would have taken me away."

He stays quiet, thinking before finally looking back up at Steve. "I needed answers. I couldn't get them in a cage. Please... I'm sorry."

Steve was having none of the turning away stuff. They didn't do that then, and they definitely couldn't afford to do that now. He reached out and cupped his cheek turning his head to face him once again.

"It's okay," He whispered. "I get it I do, but I had to ask, and you don't need to apologize okay?"

He paused a moment. "You said you needed answers?"

Bucky nodded his head. Slowly, he pulls Steve over to the kitchen table. He's quiet as he sits down, urging Steve to sit beside him. He doesn't want to admit his legs feel shaky. He doesn't want to say how much he feels for his best friend.

How much he liked the kiss.

"Went to the museum. Saw things. The library. Looked up you. Bucky." He sighed, one hand reaching for Steve's. "It's not enough. I see you, him, the us that you think we were, but it doesn't tell me more." He bit his lip, his brow furrowing as he struggled to put his thoughts into words. "Their past. Their times together. Steve and Bucky."

He knows he probably sounds wrong or off, referring to himself in a third person, but it's the easiest way for him. He knows Bucky is him, he is Bucky, but the memories are scattered, a jumble of images in his mind. "I see things. The past, I think. I... I don't understand."

Edited 2014-05-26 12:46 (UTC)

Steve wasn't sure what was going on. One minute he was standing, and then the next he was sitting at his own kitchen table, next to his best friend, soul mate.... lover.

The only problem is he doesn't remember any of it, and that just breaks Steve's heart.

He looked at their joined hands, and he could feel his eyes burning. He cleared his throat before speaking.

"I don't know what you want from me?"

"I want..."

Just then, Bucky got a very harsh headache. Letting go of Steve's hand, he doubled over in pain, one hand reaching up to his temple. He cried out, his eyes scrunching tightly shut as he trembled in his seat.

He did remember things. The past. Visions. As the days went by, more came back. He remembered, but it was all a mess to him, a jumble of images he didn't understand. He wanted Steve to help him process that. He just wasn't very good at putting his thoughts into words.

"Help me," he whimpered. "See things. Don't understand them." Bucky sighed, slipping out of the chair and falling to the floor, pulling his knees up to his chin. "Make the visions stop."

Steve made a strangled sound in the back of his throat, as he surged forward and caught Bucky before he hit the floor fully.

He lifted him easily, and cradled him in his lap, and against his chest. He wished so badly that he could take this pain away for Bucky.

"What do you see?" He whispered, as he cupped his cheek, looking down at him.

Bucky shivered in his arms, his head turning to lean into Steve's hand. His eyes closed and he tried to block out the images.

"It's... It's all jumbled. You're saving me. It's dark. Dirty. There's an alley. You... You look different." As he spoke, memories of them together came tumbling out. There was no regularity to it. Everything was coming back to him, but at a slow pace.

"I think I see him."

Steve listened and simply leaned down, and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. There was no pressure or rush to this kiss. It just poured out everything that Steve was feeling in that moment.

He pulled back, slowly opening his eyes. "The alley was pre serum, I was smaller."

He sighed softly. "He was my lover.... you were my lover."

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