conflictedsoldier | closed post

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Meme based off of this one here. For

icannotlie.

***

Bucky wasn't sure what was real anymore. After everything that happened, he felt like he was feeling himself fall apart. Memories were coming back, throwing the images at him whether he wanted him or not. He felt dizzy a lot, doubling over in pain when nausea hits. He wasn't sure what drugs they used on him, but the feelings of trying to be human again were painful. Sometimes he couldn't even keep food down.

He'd done well, getting information on his past and still staying one step ahead of Steve. He was good at evasion, hiding before Steve could find him, staying just out of his reach. If he wanted to be found, he would be. No, this was a nostalgia lane trip. The boxing ring at the gym. The street they grew up on. The museum. Everything had to be investigated.

There was only one problem. He didn't have all the answers. Steve would. As much as he hated it, he was going to have to seek out Steve. Because Steve was his weakness. The more the memories returned, the more he remembered how much he had cared for Steve, maybe even loved him.

Seeing his face as he fell from the train was one of the most heartbreaking things he remembered.

Standing outside of Steve's apartment, he wondered if Steve would know he was here. Maybe he should go up and knock on the door? Still, he hesitated. He knew watching the building was probably creepy, but it was hard to describe what he was feeling. Nervous? Worried? He'd never felt like this before.

It scared him.

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Steve just couldn't take it anymore. He cupped Bucky's cheeks in his hands. "Tell me no... if you want me not to kiss you.... tell me no," Steve whispered, praying that he wouldn't be rejected.

"Don't you understand that I will never see you that way? I just took down Hydra, or part of it, and I would do it all over again if it meant that I got you."

Kiss. He wants to kiss me. Bucky stared up at Steve, his mind reaching for the definition of the word. He remembered a time, a time with Steve when he wasn't in pain. It was a long time ago. Almost like another life. As he listened to Steve speak, he realized how much he meant to Steve.

This was why he came to the Captain in the first place. He wanted answers, but he was looking for something more than that. He didn't want to be alone anymore. One hand reached out, grabbing Steve by the back of his neck. His face showed no emotion, no smile or frown as he pulled Steve's face forward and kissed him hungrily.

Steve's body literally sagged with relief at finally kissing Bucky. If this was a dream, he didn't want to wake up, and he could die a very happy man.

Steve pulled away, chest heaving slightly, his forehead resting against Bucky's.

"Are you okay?"

For a long time, he's quiet. To be fair, he doesn't really know how to answer Steve. Leaning forward, he rests his forehead against Steve's, trying to smile for his friend. It feels odd, almost forced. He hasn't smiled in so long.

"No, but... It's getting better."

Steve can't help the panic that starts to surface a little bit at Buckly's silence. Steve had thought that he wanted the closeness, but maybe he was wrong... very very wrong.

"I'm sorry," Steve whispered. "If I pushed you too far.... I am glad its getting better."

Bucky shook his head, staring up at Steve. "You didn't push me. You didn't... You didn't break me. This? This is helping me," he whispered. One hand brushed his knuckles against Steve's cheek, staring into his eyes. Leaning forward, he gave Steve another kiss. This one was softer, more gentle as he moved his lips against Steve's.

It was everything they should have had and never got to.

Steve closed his eyes, and leaned into his touch, because he wanted this so badly, that he was afraid that if he opened his eyes, this would be a dream and Bucky would be gone.

He fell into the kiss, enjoying the feelings that one kiss provided him. He could feel his eyes start to burn at the gentleness of the kiss.

He pulled away reluctantly. "Why didn't you stay with me? Why leave me on the beach?"

Bucky's eyes closed and he looked away from Steve. He couldn't face him when he thought of what he did. "I had to," he murmured. "You needed to be saved. I couldn't be there. They would know I did it, they would have taken me away."

He stays quiet, thinking before finally looking back up at Steve. "I needed answers. I couldn't get them in a cage. Please... I'm sorry."

Steve was having none of the turning away stuff. They didn't do that then, and they definitely couldn't afford to do that now. He reached out and cupped his cheek turning his head to face him once again.

"It's okay," He whispered. "I get it I do, but I had to ask, and you don't need to apologize okay?"

He paused a moment. "You said you needed answers?"

Bucky nodded his head. Slowly, he pulls Steve over to the kitchen table. He's quiet as he sits down, urging Steve to sit beside him. He doesn't want to admit his legs feel shaky. He doesn't want to say how much he feels for his best friend.

How much he liked the kiss.

"Went to the museum. Saw things. The library. Looked up you. Bucky." He sighed, one hand reaching for Steve's. "It's not enough. I see you, him, the us that you think we were, but it doesn't tell me more." He bit his lip, his brow furrowing as he struggled to put his thoughts into words. "Their past. Their times together. Steve and Bucky."

He knows he probably sounds wrong or off, referring to himself in a third person, but it's the easiest way for him. He knows Bucky is him, he is Bucky, but the memories are scattered, a jumble of images in his mind. "I see things. The past, I think. I... I don't understand."

Edited 2014-05-26 12:46 (UTC)

Steve wasn't sure what was going on. One minute he was standing, and then the next he was sitting at his own kitchen table, next to his best friend, soul mate.... lover.

The only problem is he doesn't remember any of it, and that just breaks Steve's heart.

He looked at their joined hands, and he could feel his eyes burning. He cleared his throat before speaking.

"I don't know what you want from me?"

"I want..."

Just then, Bucky got a very harsh headache. Letting go of Steve's hand, he doubled over in pain, one hand reaching up to his temple. He cried out, his eyes scrunching tightly shut as he trembled in his seat.

He did remember things. The past. Visions. As the days went by, more came back. He remembered, but it was all a mess to him, a jumble of images he didn't understand. He wanted Steve to help him process that. He just wasn't very good at putting his thoughts into words.

"Help me," he whimpered. "See things. Don't understand them." Bucky sighed, slipping out of the chair and falling to the floor, pulling his knees up to his chin. "Make the visions stop."

Steve made a strangled sound in the back of his throat, as he surged forward and caught Bucky before he hit the floor fully.

He lifted him easily, and cradled him in his lap, and against his chest. He wished so badly that he could take this pain away for Bucky.

"What do you see?" He whispered, as he cupped his cheek, looking down at him.

Bucky shivered in his arms, his head turning to lean into Steve's hand. His eyes closed and he tried to block out the images.

"It's... It's all jumbled. You're saving me. It's dark. Dirty. There's an alley. You... You look different." As he spoke, memories of them together came tumbling out. There was no regularity to it. Everything was coming back to him, but at a slow pace.

"I think I see him."

Steve listened and simply leaned down, and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. There was no pressure or rush to this kiss. It just poured out everything that Steve was feeling in that moment.

He pulled back, slowly opening his eyes. "The alley was pre serum, I was smaller."

He sighed softly. "He was my lover.... you were my lover."

"Lover. End of the line. Love."

Bucky nodded his head, looking up at Steve, his eyes widening. He could see it, see both Steve's were one. One hand reached out, taking Steve's in his, threading their fingers together. Giving their hands a squeeze, he nodded his head.

"I..." It had been so long since he had been anything other than the soldier. A part of him wants to be that for Steve, but he's afraid that he'll let him down.

Leaning up, he pressed his lips to Steve's, letting them linger there a moment. He wanted it, wanted to be something other than just a soldier.

Steve stared at their joined hands for a long time. His eyes burning slightly before looking up and meeting Bucky's eyes.

His eyes closed on their own, and he really should have pulled away, but dammit he wanted this so badly.

He held on, and kissed back, letting his lover dictate things. His free hand swept up his back, cupping the back of his head.

"You don't have to this? I'm not pressuring you right?" He asked softly, after the kiss had ended.

"No pressure." Bucky smiled, kissing him again. He never wanted to stop. Strong hands move up his arms, rubbing at his shoulders. A shiver ran down his back as he clung to the Captain, his best friend.

Even if he didn't remember everything, he knew he facts. And more than that, he felt it, felt a connection with him. He couldn't explain it, but he felt safe with him. It had been a long, long time since he felt safe.

"Help me. Please?"

Steve wanted nothing more than to help his friend, but he wasn't sure what to do, so he kissed him again, and held him probably a little tighter than was necessary, but Steve couldn't bring himself to care.

He pulled back, but didn't move too far away from his face.

"What an I do?"

"Can we get off the floor?"

Bucky smiled up at Steve, his head tilting to the side as he rolled over. Straddling his friend, he smiled and gave him one more gentle kiss. He didn't want to get up, but he didn't want to rush things either.

He wanted answers and he had no plans of leaving.

"That food did sound really good?"

Steve chuckled softly at Bucky's question. He wasn't expecting a lapful of his love, and he closed his eyes for a moment at the feeling, because he remembered them being in his position before with very different results.

He followed Bucky some as he pulled back from the kiss.

" I do make a mean omelete don't I" Steve said, as he put his arms around Bucky's waist.

"How about you ask questions while I cook?"

"I think that is a great idea." Bucky smiled, threading their fingers together as he rose to his feet. Helping Steve to stand beside him, Bucky pushed him back against the counter. "Do you have ham," he murmured, leaning in to nibble at Steve's neck just below his earlobe. One hand slipped down to his ass, giving it a gentle squeeze. "Cook for me. Please?"

Steve smiled, and let Bucky pull him up. He leaned into counter with a soft grunt, not having expected the move.

He groaned softly, as felt the kisses and then the hand. His own hands found purchase on Bucky's hips.

He turned his head slightly, and his one hand traveled down to Bucky's ass squeezing in much the same manner.

"You know that if you keep doing that, I'm not getting any cooking done right?"

"Cooking. Right."

Bucky smiled, nipping at Steve's earlobe, one hand moving up and down his back. he liked having Steve close. If he had his way, had a lot of catching up to do. his hands were strong, though not as strong as Steve's.

"So cook for me."

Steve smiled and leaned back into his touch. He felt at peace for the first time in a long time. He was happy and content. He was half wondering when the other shoe would drop.

A small frown crossed his face as he made the eggs, but he quickly shook it off. He didn't want to ruin anything.

"You ready to eat ?"

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